We’ve all experienced conflict. And everyone has advice about what to do when you’re faced with that challenge. But do you know the best way to handle conflict or, better yet, how to prevent it in the first place?
I do my best to practice balance when interacting with others, keeping both my rights and theirs in mind. After all, it’s true that, “Sugar catches more flies than vinegar,” as my grandmother is so fond of saying. Be that as it may, in personal and professional spheres, conflict is frequently unavoidable.
You may have heard, “all is fair in love and war,” but wars are lost by overzealously committing to a trivial battle. Wisdom is both the awareness of impending conflict and the ability to transform opponents into allies.
Think of communication options as a continuum. On one side, you have aggression and on the other passivity. Aggression is an attitude of superiority and dominance. It does not consider the views or needs of others. It knows only that it must crush the person or situation standing against it by any means necessary.
Simply put, aggression says, “I win. Your rights are violated.” Forms of aggressive communication include closed posture, harsh voice tone, sarcasm, shouting, and disregarding other people’s perspectives.
At the other end of the spectrum, you have passivity. This is not to be confused with pacifism, which is the belief that violence is never acceptable and that peaceful solutions should always be sought. This noble view is defensive by engaging conflict through non-violent means. In contrast, passivism is an attitude of inferiority and utter defenselessness. A passive person is either unwilling or unable to engage opposition. As a result, they capitulate to the demands of others and submit when challenged. The common colloquialism for such persons is that they are a “doormat.”
Whether this worldview is bred of low self-worth, damaged ego resultant from past abuse, or fear of retribution, the result is the same. Passivism says, “You win. My rights are violated.” Forms of passive communication include timid posture, averted gaze, soft tone, low volume, and easy submission to the demands or requests of others.
Positioned in the center of this continuum between aggression and passivity stands assertiveness. Serving as a balance point, it does not allow others to violate one’s rights but it also does not compromise the rights of others to achieve what it desires. Assertiveness says, “We win. Our rights are respected.” Forms of assertive communication include firm but kind tone, appropriate volume, open posture, and thoughtful consideration of all points presented.
Communication is not an ability granted at birth, obviously. Just as children must learn to speak, they must also learn to effectively socialize and communicate their needs or wants. Sadly, we often assume that, as adults, all people can communicate. This is simply not the case. Any fool can talk, but a wise man speaks and speaks well. The eloquent in business and in love understand persuasive communication to be a skillset, and they actively develop it.
Tact is an essential component of class, but confident individuals temper all aspects of their communication, expressing themselves with style. Perhaps most importantly, skilled communicators recognize their approach is primarily determined according to the person with whom they are speaking.
From a psychological viewpoint, individuals with dominant personalities should be met with an aggressive response equal to their own before shifting into assertive strategies; otherwise, their attention will not be captured. The caveat here is utilizing finesse to deescalate conflict as needed. Similarly, those who struggle with social phobias or who have an underdeveloped sense of self-esteem should be regarded with greater compassion and care. An appropriately assertive response could seem to them as a threat or as rejection.
About a week ago, I practiced healthy assertion. Obtaining the reports necessary to analyze deficiencies in a company’s utilization had proven to be a ridiculously exhausting venture. I found myself in the medical records office for the third time, with the third set of noncompliant documents in my hand, encountering yet another company system failure.
Isolating the dysfunctional departments and establishing the corrective action necessary had already been achieved. Now I needed the reports that highlighted affected staff but they still weren’t available.
I was aggravated, and the manager beneath me seemed overly preoccupied with inconsequential tasks. I addressed them by saying, “This is the third time I’ve made this request, and from the way it looks, our corrective process is going to be delayed another week. I understand you’re busy, but I feel you aren’t applying the necessary effort to prioritize this objective as it should be. Would you please designate a staff member to run these reports and present them to me right away?”
This confrontive assertion acknowledged the manager’s difficulties but also pointed out the priority of my request. Rather than commanding the manager or vomiting emotional frustration across the room, I redirected their attention, defined the problem, made their job easy by outlining a solution, and requested action.
The use of “I verbiage” helped to relay my feelings instead of resorting to “you verbiage” (i.e. “you always waste time”). Statements that involve “you” often come across as accusatory, which can spark defensiveness or resistance. Effective conflict resolution tactics rendered the desired result: the reports were available within hours and my relationship with that staff member remained positive. In the end, we both won. Assertiveness was the key.
I’ve also been passive at times. This usually occurs when a person I care about has stirred me emotionally due to either my inaction or an action I have taken. If my approach was justified (and I impartially consider their viewpoint), then I stand my ground and respond assertively. But, sometimes, when emotions run deep and I love the person confronting me, even when in the right, I succumb. In these cases, the relationship is worth more than “being right.”
This is a conscious decision, though, and not the result of defeatist beliefs. Similarly, a passive response is warranted if you are unwilling to accept the consequences of challenging another’s stance. Sure, your boss was in the wrong and you can stick to your guns, embarrassing him in front of his staff, but is it really worth the fallout or potential termination? Wisdom knows when to fight and when to fall back for another day.
Ultimately, healthy assertion is the best way to express desires, though on rare occasions controlled aggression and modulated passivity have their place. As with repairing an engine, the experienced mechanic chooses the right tool for the job. Knowing which to select depends largely on an entirely different skillset. That skillset is listening. But that’s a topic for another day.
So consider this: a good communicator knows the best approach for triggering a positive response in the midst of a conflict. But a great communicator uses that skill to eliminate issues before conflict ever occurs.
Until next time, don’t just be transformed: be Kinged.
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