In full disclosure, this was never an intentional act, just the natural outflowing of a shift in my mentality toward success and people. This principle crossed my mind today while watching my teenage son stack chopped firewood. Okay, let me give you some context and then I’ll close.
At our home, we have electric heat but also a large pedestal wood stove. Although it isn’t required for heating, we like to turn off the thermostat in winter, load the stove, and allow its glow to fill our home with radiating warmth. Plus, there’s something magical about watching its flames dance while illuminating our children’s faces on Christmas morning or when a fresh layer of snow has blanketed the rolling hills outside.
But having a wood stove is dirty and hard work. In summer, wood has to be split and packed into the backyard wood shed. Then, in winter, the seasoned wood has to be loaded into a cart, brought up a hill on a 150-foot journey to the house, and unloaded into our wood box so it can be accessed and brought inside to fuel the stove as needed. This is especially important if you don’t want to have to climb that hill in knee-high snow because the stove is empty. And, yes, I’ve done this. Live and learn.
When my son was young, I began to include him in the effort because I saw the opportunity to teach him something important about country living and so he would appreciate the effort involved in warming his hands by the fire. Because he was little, there wasn’t much help he could give. It slowed me down having to stop and re-stack the pile he’d made, or pause to explain why things were done a certain way, or walk at a crawl so he could keep up, or hold my hands around his, guiding him as he split kindling correctly.
For years, this ritual took me much longer than it would have if I’d simply pushed him aside, said “I’m in a rush to get this done,” and went on without teaching him the nuances of running a homestead. But it was well worth it. This year, he is a teenager and, with amazement, I’ve watched as my little boy is growing into the tall frame of a young man. Now, he is strong…and he has the skills necessary to perform the task with virtually no direction given at all.
This year, he and I loaded the wood box and, to my surprise, it was done in record time with very little effort. We had become a team and our combined strength and skill conquered the obstacle easily. This reminded me of how this same principle operates in business or any area of life.
My father invested in me, slowing down to teach me how to drive his truck. Now, when he is in need, I pull up in my truck and help him haul whatever load he has to transport wherever it needs to go. I hope I’ve driven the point home. Stop ignoring or competing with others and, instead, invest in them. In time, you’ll find that not only do they grow, but that you succeed.
Seek Peace & Mutual Wellbeing
First of all, you have to know when it’s time to fight. Some folks are clueless about the freight train rolling toward them until they’re under its wheels, plastered across the tracks. Don’t be that guy or gal. And don’t be the freight train either.
Passivity is taking an “I lose” mentality and allowing others to violate your rights. Aggression is its polar opposite, taking an “I win” mindset and deliberately violating the rights of others. Both are unhealthy and bad for business and relationships. Instead, take an assertive approach when a threat is detected: focus on a “we win” mindset and seek to ensure everyone’s rights are respected.
First, try to clarify the situation to clear up misunderstandings. Sometimes, what appears to be a slight or outright attack is merely a miscommunication. Your initial step should always be clearer and more effective communication so a misspoken word doesn’t escalate into an all-out brawl.
A tender word breaks the bone, so start here. This might mean asking a lot of questions, recapping and repeating back what someone said so they have a chance to clear up misconceptions, or shifting from written messages to a live meeting or phone call.
Beyond this, if there is a genuine conflict, give them an “out” so neither of you are backed into a corner. Sometimes, people act reflexively if they feel they have been slighted or have a “right” to something that doesn’t actually exist. The misunderstanding can go both ways so be sensitive to the fact that they may have painted themselves into a corner or stuck their proverbial “foot in their mouth.” Being kind and offering them an alternative to conflict often results in them gracefully exiting the ring, preserving everyone’s dignity and the relationship itself.
In other cases, they may stick to their assertion and demand you take a particular course of action. Or, they might become rigid in their unrealistic expectations and continue to push the issue. In these instances, it is wise to give them an olive branch and attempt to seek a compromise. Maybe you can’t offer the 25% discount they swear you advertised but giving them a 5% one instead could be enough to calm their frustration and allow business to continue with everyone remaining happy.
Wage War
When it does come down to a fight, first fire a warning shot…or maybe not. In some cases, being firm and stating you are ready to escalate the situation is all it takes for the other party to consider the implications and back down from their position. In others, you don’t want to tip your hand and give them an opportunity to deflect your angle of attack. So use discretion here. Often, giving a warning that is vague enough it cannot be used to undermine your next step is sufficient.
Next, know your opponent and know your own strengths and limitations. Sun Tzu was incredibly insightful in The Art of War when he pointed out, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
This means you need to do your research. Understand where your opponent is coming from, identify their weak points. Recognize what resources they might marshal against you, whether this is a boss or employee pointing to the data available to them or a company rallying a dozen attorneys to meet you at the gate. Never go into a fight blind. As much as is possible, evaluate exactly what you’re getting into and then harness that intel to maximize the effect of your strategy.
Next, get them to commit to a field of battle. If you know where you want to attack, then you have to lure your opponent into the snare. In the course of your dialogue, preferably in writing, drive them to state their position clearly so there’s no denying it or backing out. For example, if someone flatly refuses a refund for work they did not do, get them to state this clearly in writing. Now, you have committed them to an engagement.
You’ll also want to enlist allies. If there are others that have a similar grievance or who have information and comparable goals helpful to your cause, reach out to them and invite them to stand with you. The deeper you’re rolling, the greater the force of your position.
Don’t forget to identify their weak points. This should have been done initially when you were conducting reconnaissance about whether to fight or not, but you’ll also pick up clues about where your opponent’s footing is weak during the course of battle. If they’re protecting a weak leg, strike there; if they’re avoiding a sensitive topic, expose it.
Close all loops and exits. In the beginning, when you were trying to avoid this conflict, you tried to give them an easy out. Now that the cards are on the table, though, press your advantage. Their offer of a settlement that is only a fraction of what is truly owed can be dismissed if you have a strong argument and have already toppled their defenses.
Always strike at the foundation, the root, to demolish everything above it. Some people waste hours chipping away at tangential arguments that have no bearing on the real issue and are merely attempts by one’s opponent to distract and confuse. Hone in on the core issue and clamp down with bulldog tenacity.
Prepare for and deflect counter-strikes and have a fallback position. If you throw a punch, be prepared to take one. It will come. So, if you’re dazed by a blow and stagger while unsure of what to do, keep in mind that boulder you can use for cover and duck behind it, whatever that might be. Then, take time to consider your opponent’s statements and seek feedback from advisors or associates before committing to a response. Never react emotionally or impulsively. Once you’ve established a solid response, stick with it and advance from cover.
Then, simply wear them out. Some fights aren’t won because the victor is stronger but because he or she has more stamina. Endurance is the key. Don’t give up. Stay the course and your enemy might just tire of the fight and tap out.
Considering all these things, if at all possible, preserve the relationship and the connection you have with this person or business. You never know when your paths will cross again so, especially if you win, treat them like you’d want to be treated. Always keep things cordial and professional, never emotionally harsh or callous.
Evade Calamity
Finally, remember that some fights simply aren’t worth it. In the beginning of your disagreement, or even if a brawl has already started, consider if you are simply being overly sensitive or if, perhaps, you’re the irrational one. If you are offended at something that has happened between the two of you, get another opinion before reacting. Take time to calm down, consider the other person’s viewpoint, and the entire conflict may just resolve itself.
You also need to consider the possibility that, if you fight, you might lose. If failure is not an option for you, or if a lengthy (and potentially public) skirmish would do too much damage to your reputation, your company, or your position, it’s better to cut your current loss than take a larger one.
This comes with counting the cost. Even if the win is worth the battle, your costs in time and resources as well as emotional energy may make it a “wash” or, worse, cause you to be in a poorer position in the end. If this is the case, let it go and move on.
Ultimately, you need to ask the question: Can the fight be avoided and I still come away in good shape? If so, always avoid the fight unless it is a matter of principle (i.e. you are resisting something that could potentially harm others if left unchecked).
Pride cometh before a fall. Sometimes success is found in humbly withdrawing. A gracious showing of respect or service to your opponent might pave the way for winning a greater battle down the road. Money lost can be remade, but not always friendships.
Again, seek peace if it is within your power. But the reality is, in our personal lives and in business, conflicts and fights are sometimes unavoidable. So, if the stakes are high, the danger is real, or the threat to yourself or others is imminent, then strike fast and strike hard.
Until next time, don’t just be transformed: be Kinged.
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