Today I’d like to discuss what I feel is one of the most important aspects of the therapeutic relationship: building rapport. Rapport is how well you connect with someone, particularly as it relates to knowing, understanding, and trusting each other so that communication is strong and harmonious. For a therapist performing clinical counseling, this is essential. However, many of the principles I’m sharing also apply to connecting with clients in a business relationship as well as situations where you want to increase the likelihood of turning interested prospects into paying customers.
The process of building rapport is one of the first things I teach my clinical supervisees, so that they are able to lay a strong foundation at the very beginning of the counseling relationship. The importance of the initial session or the first meeting cannot be overstated because it sets the tone for all of the work that you’re going to do together. The impression you make at this first encounter will mean the difference between a slow, weak start and a rapid, impactful launch into accomplishing your goals and objectives.
There’s a significant body of research that reveals the single greatest factor determining a client’s successful outcome is the strength of the relationship between the counselor and that client. The other techniques used during the session are simply tools to help bring about change, each with similar effectiveness and all secondary to a healthy therapeutic alliance.
So, without further ado, here’s 14 tips on how to build this relationship and get off to a stunning start:
1. Let them talk.
During at least 80% of your time, the client should be talking, not you. Resist the urge to insert your opinions, ideas, or thoughts. Therapists are quick to want to jump in and begin “fixing” the problems the client has. But don’t do this. Instead, SLOW DOWN and focus on understanding the client. The primary techniques used during the initial session should be focused almost exclusively on relationship building.
2. Use your records
Oftentimes, before ever meeting the client, you will have collateral information to review. Or, if not, do the legwork of tracking some down. This includes the client’s assessment (if you are not the one that completed it), arrest records, reports from agencies, prior medical or behavioral health records, and statements from the client’s family. Just glancing over these things will give you a tremendous jump start in your first meeting and highlight things you need to explore in greater detail. Take the time to be well prepared before your first session.
3. Ask a lot of questions.
Constantly, you should be asking, “who, what, when, where, why, and how.” Dig deeper and make a concerted effort to gather as much information as possible and not just the bare minimum. If there are topics that the client glosses over, then these are likely areas where you need to intensify your exploration. Don’t interrogate them like a police officer but remember that you are a detective. Demonstrate a sincere interest in their life and a desire to learn more. This will give you a sharper edge for diagnostic purposes as well as fostering a rich understanding of the client’s background and current issues.
4. Normalize experiences
There’s no denying that (despite how irrational it is) seeking counseling has a negative stigma attached to it. When you add to this the fact that many of the topics the client is discussing are embarrassing and painful, your task is an uphill climb. So, normalize the client’s experiences to make the client more comfortable sharing their true thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to admit to addiction, hopelessness, guilt, and a host of other things. And it’s even harder to openly talk about them. You may not have the same experience as the client but we have all experienced the same basic emotions. Let them know it is okay to feel the way they do. Practice acceptance. And exude compassion so the client feels free to share what is truly on their heart.
5. Take notes.
This goes without saying. Take detailed notes and let the client know you are doing so. This emphasizes to them that what they are sharing is important enough to be written down and remembered. As a result, it will validate and encourage them while strengthening the relationship between you both.
6. Don’t push too far too fast.
Sometimes when a client is sharing a topic that is particularly difficult or emotional for them, there’s an instinct to press into this because it is obviously a problem area that needs to be addressed. However, avoid diving right into a client’s deepest pain. If you sense hesitancy or extreme emotions, point it out and ask permission to explore further. They may not be ready to address those things yet, so be respectful and circle back later once more trust is built. Clients will naturally share more about themselves, their past, and their situation as time passes.
7. Practice Detached Empathy:
Detached empathy is being fully connected to and compassionate toward a client while remaining objective and professional. If a client senses that what they just shared is overwhelming to you (and sometimes this happens), it’s best not to broadcast that you are “freaked out” by it. Empathize with your client but don’t get lost in their pain or swept away by emotions and experiences that you either relate to too closely or are completely blown away by. Remember that they’re looking to you to have the solutions to their problems, so demonstrating calm confidence in the face of powerful information is necessary.
8. Don’t assume anything.
Every person is unique and no two people share identical perspectives. The client is the expert on their life and the only way you will come to understand it is if they share it with you. So seek clarification often. Recap what the client said, paraphrase their words, and ASK whether your assumption is correct or not. Only by doing this will you gain a more complete grasp of what they are sharing on both a factual and an emotional level. Don’t be shy about this. Ask the tough questions and verify that you understand the answers given.
9. Listen to the silence.
Silence is a powerful tool. It can add weight to an experience or emotion far more powerfully than words can. Avoid trying to fill the empty space with conversation or efforts to “keep the client talking.” If you’re doing this, then it’s likely that you are more uncomfortable with silence than the client is. More than this, you have to “hear” your client beyond a simple gathering of information. Sometimes, what a client doesn’t say is more important than what they do. Recognize these moments and harness them.
10. Roll with resistance.
We’ve all had moments when we became resistant to a topic or a situation that upset us. This will happen with your client too, particularly if they have been forced to meet with you. Validate their feelings. Accept the client’s reasons for resistance rather than trying to overpower them. Use the objection or harshness as a point of contact, recognizing it as an expression of their pain. Your job is to learn the “why” behind it so you can meet that need or, at minimum, show support.
11. Find points of common interest.
People tend to like those with whom they have something in common. Without being artificial, point out the similarities between you and your client. Maybe they like a certain kind of music and you like that kind as well. If so, then that’s an opportunity to mention one of your favorite songs. Commonalities build trust. Ensure that all self-disclosure is appropriate (meaning anything you share ultimately benefits them and not just you) but feel free to use humor and tell stories that elicit a connection since this will help them want to share more.
12. Show love.
You’re less a mechanic and more a mirror of compassion. To further this analogy, first understand the frustration of them being a car that’s broken down on the side of the road. Once this kindness is portrayed, then start replacing parts and tightening bolts. Every action you take to help the client should be motivated by professional love and genuine compassion toward them. If it is real, they’ll know. They’ll also know if it’s not.
13. Build a story.
Remember that this is not merely a problem emotion, situation, or behavior you’re addressing, it’s a living breathing person who has an intricate life story. The key to solving the problem is correctly understanding the story.
14. Form an alliance.
Demonstrate to your client that your work with them is collaborative. Some therapists take the position of being superior, meaning the client should just shut up and do what the counselor says. I believe this is a terrible approach. The client knows more about their life than the therapist will ever know. But the therapist brings to the table objectivity, skills, and experience at resolving issues that the client needs addressed in order to progress. The two of you will get much farther if you work together than either of you attempting to solve the problem on your own. As their service provider, your focus is on the client’s best interest, and not on any other agenda. Once you’ve gathered enough pieces of the puzzle to recognize a picture, then formulate an action plan, share it with the client, and ask for their feedback and agreement. Divided you fall but, together, the two of you can conquer the obstacle and achieve the growth needed.
If you’d like to learn more about this this topic in greater detail, then please check out my video that explains each of these points in…well…greater detail. Here’s the link: https://youtu.be/E4GemieJTQg
Until next time, don’t just be transformed: be Kinged.
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